I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
