John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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