I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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