God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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