I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
