a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
