i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
