looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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