So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
