people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
