alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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