I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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