bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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