I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
