That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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