apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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