No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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