I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
