i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sarcasm needs its own font
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
