Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
