he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
