I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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