Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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