I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
