I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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