My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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