if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
