Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
