Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
