The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
