Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
