once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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