This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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