if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
