Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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