bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
