I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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