you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
