So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
