you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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