Please, let me fuck your mom
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
