shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
