there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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