if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
