im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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