There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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