The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
