did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
