He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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