Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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