My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
