This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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