when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
